


South Park Cryptid Hunter

by sheep_boy



Category: South Park
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-18 20:52:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11882589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheep_boy/pseuds/sheep_boy
Summary: Collection of Reader/Character oneshots





	South Park Cryptid Hunter

The first time you find an honest to god cryptid it takes you by surprise. As most things in life, you finally witness this genuine article over time. It only clicks that you found a cryptid after you witness its death for the third time.

  
The first time; you thought it was a dream, or maybe your dad accidentally hot boxed the house again. After all, the cute boy from your community college baking class doesn't just walk in the next day after you see him fall out of one of the ovens, having apparently been accidentally shoved in and not heard from the entire class.

  
But that's exactly what he did. You gawked a little, naturally, but quickly averted your staring because you'd rather not make a social faux pas. Sure, you could have found out he was immortal that day, but anxiety wins out over life altering conversations any day.

  
The second time you see him die; you don't know how to rationalize it but like any slightly quirky but still mostly bland young adult you have nothing in life figured out anyway and you're grasping at straws now. You eventually settle on he's a thespian, actually, and a very good stunt actor. That throat slice and blood spurting from a wayward bandsaw blade when walking past the woodwork classroom had 'youtube skit' written all over it....right? Right.

  
Whatever the case, you're extremely relieved to see him in baking class again. There were only a couple of pieces of eye candy in the town since you moved to South Park and if this eye candy was literal candy he'd be a lindt chocolate for sure. A sweet boy with savory aftertaste, you decide one day while not paying attention to much in history class.

  
Hot blondie's third death was fairly irrefutably cryptid though, both because of the number and this time utter deniability of 'nothing could survive that'.

  
"Hey Kenny, I'll give you 50 bucks if you drink this shit," you hear in chemistry class one day. Clearly the mountain town residents weren't exactly safety minded.

  
"Deal", you hear muffled from the same general direction as your stomach drops a bit. You hear the shuffle of pockets and wallets being opened to punctuate the legitness of 'it's deffo happening boys'.

  
"Chug chug chug," you hear being hush-chanted from the back of the class.

  
Whatever, it's a community college chemistry class whats the worst that can happen?

  
"Now class you need to be very careful not to add any acids to this mixture, it becomes very very volatile if you do. Roughly on par with nitroglycerin" the teacher states.

  
"What?!" Kenny exclaims through his parka before exploding moments later.

  
Okay. That happened. You are covered in your crush's organs. No big deal. Do not freak out. You're going to take that freak out, turn it in to an iou coin, and deposit it in the freak out piggy bank and crack that bad boy open later when shoveling spray can cheese into your mouth at 2am. Now? Now you're just going to try and disassociate as hard as you possibly can and walk-jog to the nearest campus showers to get the viscera out of your hair. That was officially Your Day.

  
Yet again, however, your favorite boy walks into your favorite baking class again the next day. You politely walk out because you've got some processing to do. Clearly the most helpful and healthy way is to funnel your new freak out into some paranormal excitement vis a vis jounral entries.

  
_South Park Cryptid(SPC) Database_  
_SPC-001 The Immortal Boy_  
_Current Danger Level:Safe_  
_Threat potential: Apocalyptic_  
_Defensive Measures: None required currently, none possible if threatened._  
_Description and conjecture: It is unclear if the immortality is a seperate entity or power completely from the host.Regardless, the physical manifestation of the cryptid, an otherwise completely regular small town young adult named Kenneth McCormick, will further be reffered to as SPC-001-A._  
_SPC-001-A is a demi immortal humanoid. That is, it is able to die but somehow ressurects the following day at an as of yet undetermined location different from the site of its death and proceeds through its life as a normal young adult. No one else seems to be able to remember the deaths of SPC-001-A save for the author of this entry. It is currently unclear if SPC-001-A remembers its deaths either._  
_If SPC-001-A can remember its deaths but others cannot then the only thing stopping SPC-001-A from killing every single person on the planet without repercussion or tactical response is pure whim and time-limiting, as SPC-001-A seems to be susceptible to the aging effects of time._

  
There, nice and official like. Maybe hyper-fixating into a journal will let you compartmentalize these reality shattering happenings.

As if a real cryptid occurence wasn't amazing enough, your easy to read nature must finally be a beacon for other sad or touch-starved queers because one day while playing your ds in the college coffee shop Kenny actually sits down next to you.

  
"Hey," he greets. "Can I get you a coffee," he offers with a smile.

  
You gawk for a moment. A cute guy is hitting on you? Maybe that's the real cryptid occurrence. "S-sure" you stammer out. He just keeps smiling.

"Cool," he says before going to order.

  
When he returns youve stopped playing your game and are looking too stiff and anxious about fucking up the possible flirtation. Kenny just shakes his head a little and hands you your drink.

  
"Relax relax, I know I have a bit of a reputation as a slut but if you don't want me to-"

  
"No!" you interject a little too loud. "Er, I mean. I haven't heard that and even if I had I'm. Uh you're. I like you" you blurt out mashed together a bit.

  
Kenny laughs and takes a sip of his own coffee. "Wound up dorks like you are adorable, you know that? I noticed you noticing me so I figured I'd give it a go," he comments, almost offhandedly. "Since you like me, I'm going to go ahead and say I'm not really a relationship type of guy but if you want to be friends who make out sometimes I'm your dude."

  
"Yeah, sure" you laugh awkwardly. "I'd love to get to know you."

  
He smiles pretty genuinely at that. "Back at ya beefcake," he jokes stupidly.

  
You both spend the better part of an hour talking about regular boring things. Classes, hobbies, his friends, your friends. Weirdly you both have a fair bit in common. He's more charismatic than you, and there's the whole immortality thing he doesn't know you know about, but you both make average grades, do average stupid things, and have average young adult interests.

  
You two make plans to video games and chill next weekend.

  
"I had fun," he says, standing up to depart.

  
You stand up to walk together to the cafe' exit. "Me too. Adult obligations are lame, " you sigh, lamenting college level homework.

  
Before you both part ways, he brushes your hair back a bit and ever so smoothly places his hand on the side of your face and leans in for a kiss.

  
You eagerly oblige, noting his hands are soft and his breath tastes like coffee (duh) and cigarettes. Normally bad flavors especially together but Kenny makes it work somehow. After the kiss you double down and give him a big bear hug and wave him off, both of you smiling stupidly.

  
You think you're going to like this weird, po dunk mountain town.


End file.
